- Wed Aug 16, 2017 6:52:08 am
#8011
I just feel like I'm banging my head against a wall here.
I realized before that vote happened, after tribal started and once I knew that Brenda was going home, that this was going to be the first vote in my Stranded career, besides the one where I was voted out in Socotra, where the result was not gonna be what I wanted.
I remember in Socotra thinking how little fun Lindsey and LJ must be having. How just exhausting and frustrating it must be to not be able to take control of anything. And now it's like...I'm in that position and nobody even knows I'm in that position. It's weird.
I just feel...I don't know. A lot of things. Annoyed and frustrated and, since it's me, extremely anxious. And I'm sick and having a hard time keeping track of things I need to keep track of, and I can just feel this slipping out of my hands...and in a way the shittiest part is that it's not slipping towards me getting voted out, it's slipping towards me just being a goat. I'd rather get voted out than sit there at the end and get torn to shreds and made fun of and...it's one thing not to win, I'm still fine with not winning, but I'm just...scared of what it would look like if I go with Vytas. What he'd say about me, how he'd tear me down and take any sort of credit from me to build himself up. It'd be hard for me to take and I'm worried about it.
I want to go to the end with Cass and Ozzy. That's what I want right now. I think that'd be a fair fight and that they wouldn't be cruel to me.
It's just hard. I'm feeling shitty tonight and kind of hating myself for deciding to come back and play again. I think I shouldn't have. I just don't see a way that this ends well, on an emotional level. I think I'm stuck in this spiral and there's no way out of it at this point. I'm just trying to make choices I feel okay about. But I'm just...scared of the fall out. I don't know. It's never fun at night for me. That's why you get all the sad confessionals around this time.
Anyway I guess it's gonna be Mia tomorrow. I'll talk to Cass and see if we want to try to get Mia to blindside Vytas or just let her go home. It's risky as hell, but the good news is I could try to blindside Vytas every vote from here to the end and he'd still never think I had any thing to do with it because he thinks I'm so spineless that he can just not tell me people have idols and make a zillion plans without me and I will be fine with that.
Seriously, it's his own fault at this point for actually believing this could be okay with me. Come on.