- Tue Aug 15, 2017 5:26:04 pm
#7700
WELL SO I dreamed last night that the guy who ran over that woman in Charlottesville had to like...stay at my house for the night before we brought him to prison. idk. Made sense in the dream. And while he was there he was nice to me and he was human and I bonded with him and I couldn't believe it and was horrified with myself but...he seemed so kind, and we just disagreed on stuff but he wasn't treating me like I was subhuman or anything.
And then the next day we had to bring him to prison and I was alone with him for a second and he tried to strangle me.
That's just...OVERTLY literal and pretty offensive hyperbole to compare stranded situations to LITERAL MURDERERS, DREAM-HANNAH, but i guess it shows how my subconscious feels about this whole situation I think.
I'm probably stabbing myself in the foot here, or whatever the turn of phrase is (I'm tired). I would probably last longer in this game--I would almost definitely last longer in this game--if I just played nice and didn't make waves. But I'm not going to play nice with non-nice people. That's gonna be my new mantra or whatever.
The turning point obviously was Vytas last night saying something like, "Babe, stop playing with your heart for a second." And he laid out a good logical argument that was very good and logical and I read it and I understood it and I could see it. But the thing is...I mean, laying aside the obvious misogyny of that sentence...I don't WANT to stop playing with my heart. I could do that. But is that actually how I want to go out of this? Just be calculating and unemotional and unconnected and feel shitty about my decisions...for nothing? I mean shouldn't I be myself and be emotional and be connected, for nothing? I think so. I think I should just not hate myself at the end of this as much as it's possible for me not to hate myself.
Goddamn I hope Cass isn't playing me. I am so screwed if she is.
Oh and also if this plan does go how I want it, and we get Yul to play the idol and Mia goes home--just to spell out exactly what it is I'm hoping is the outcome of this, yep, that's it--then I'm in the position where the boys will have no idea that I actually helped this happen and I'm on their side, so at some point I'll have to deal with that. of course, that's tempered by the fact that Vytas and crew ill have no idea I helped this happen and I'm NOT on their side.
I feel bad about it. But like...look, I told him I didn't want to be in this alliance, I told him these were not the people I wanted to play with, I laid down exactly what I wanted...and he steamrolled me and told me I could choose this vote as some sort of consultation prize to keep me happy.
So I chose the person who we think has the idol and then told Cass that we need to get him to play it, so Mia goes home and I still have Vytas thinking I'm his lapdog, and Sarah and Lil have no idea, and I don't have to be in this alliance that makes me feel awful. That's what's going on.
And if Yul doesn't have or doesn't play the idol and he doesn't go home...then I'm still okay. If I can trust Cass.
And if he does...then I pretend to be shocked with Vytas and let him scramble us into whatever position it is he thinks we should be in, and I keep working with Cass.
Thank you for tuning in for this episode of Andrea's moral quandaries. I'm sure there will be another episode any goddamn minute.
