[Jeff Probst]

- Fri Aug 11, 2017 4:49:10 am #3682 Welcome to the merge. CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Now the game becomes a matter of who can get to the end and Win.

With that latest round, we saw the game ramp up to a new level of cutthroat. Has that set the tone for this merge?

[Andrea]

- Fri Aug 11, 2017 5:23:33 am #3727 Thanks :)

I mean, it's definitely done SOMETHING for the tone of the merge, ha. The Socotra mergeI remember was everyone happy and celebrating and everything, and here everyone's just really down.

Honestly I came into this with what I knew about Ashley really expecting to bond with her. And it just...we never really clicked. And all the people I'm working with were so high on hooking up with Ashley come the merge, and I kind of just had to go with it...so....I'm sort of happy she's gone? I think it's JUST me and Yul who are, ha. I'm keeping quiet about it because being really angry with Wigles and Oz for voting out Ashley is kind of the bond tying everyone together right now, and lord knows there's not really any love lost between me and Wigles at this point...but I'm kind of okay with how this turned out.

So if you don't mind I'm just gonna make some notes on everybody.

Rory: Really seems emotionally checked out. Likes me, probably won't write my name down. I feel like I can't trust him to show up and be reliable and show signs of life going deep into the game, but he's fine for now. He might be an easy vote, though, and I'm not gonna stick my neck out to save him.

Ozzy: People are really pissed at him for this Ashley thing. We've always gotten along well, but I don't see us being aligned here. He's just made too many people mad, and he's not integrated with the other people who want to work with me, as far as I know.

Wigles: Nah. Not even bothering to talk to her just like she didn't bother to talk to me.

Katie: Still haven't met her. Sent her a message. Lil really wants to work with her and Sarah. I don't think we'll ever be able to establish a good level of trust this late in the game when we both have formed so many other bonds, but if we have people in common we could work together for now.

Liliana: Kind of jumped back into the alliance with me and Vytas and Brenda and Mia immediately, so definitely planning to work with her for now.

Sarah: Desperate, likes me, doesn't have a lot of other options, the people I'm with like her, I like her. Definitely want to work with her too.

Yul: Tells me he and Rudy have been looking forward to getting back together with me and Vytas. I really would like to work with him and Rudy, I'm just not sure I can make it work. But ideally I stick with the two of them going deep.

Rudy: I really love this guy. It's possible he's lying to me about everything; I've been warned. Idk. I get a good vibe. I feel like he doesn't make unnecessarily grandiose promises to me. He's not telling me he's going to take me to F3. He's telling me he's gonna not write my name down and keep an eye out for my name being brought up. Those seem like legit promises.

Vytas: My boy. I feel bad about times I've bitched about him. We don't see eye to eye on everything, and I know there are people in my life who would judge me for having affection for someone who says some of the stuff he says, but...hey, Stranded does stuff to you. I'm REALLY worried that he's secretly mad at me about tonight and laughing about me to Mia behind my back. I'm seriously concerned about this. I really, really hope I'm just being anxious and paranoid. I need a Klonopin.

Mia: has really hurt me tonight.

Brenda: Has, in her own words, her fingers in a lot of pies, but I think she and I are very tight at this point.

Cass: I love her. I really love her. Can she win? I want her to win.

I think that's everyone.

[Andrea]

- Fri Aug 11, 2017 5:59:50 pm #3804 Definitely playing a cattier game than I intended. I'm not crossing the lines I set for myself before I started, so that's good, but it's just a lot more gossipy and annoyed than I expected to me. I'm in the jury house in this other ORG right now and I had this big fight with this girl this morning that I think had way more to do with my pent up rage here than with anything she did, poor thing, lol.

I don't know, everyone else is really gossipy so I'm just kind of leaning into it. I'm not saying anything bad about anyone as people, not insulting anyone outside of insulting their gameplay...but still, this is a little closer to the dark side than I wanted to get. May have to reel myself in. Wigles is TESTING me, man.

[Andrea]

- Fri Aug 11, 2017 6:10:14 pm #3805 Also I'm gonna pontificate some more on my relationship with Vytas.

Usual caveat that there is still part of me that thinks he's completely playing me and he hates me and he's laughing at me behind my back and blah blah. So if that's actually the case...at least I was aware it was a possibility, ha. But I'm gonna go off the theory here that he actually likes me.

I still have a problem with some of the stuff he's said to me. But...he is very kind to me. When I was upset yesterday, he was VERY kind to me. Like, more than he needed to be. Rudy and he have that in common, that they've both really gone above and beyond. And I am very aware that they might feel like they're taking care of me and use that against me later, "Oh, I had to hold Andrea's hand." But Vytas is always offering to take care of me, to take the blame for shit, and it's not something I've ever asked for and it's VERY rarely anything I take him up on. So I think it's his perception of me as an emotional person and probably as a woman that has him offering more than anything that I actually require--you saw me in Socotra, you know I don't need someone protecting me to get a lot further than the merge--but I think that even if there IS an undercurrent of sexism...what he does is not coming from a place of malice, or of consciously thinking of me as less than him because I'm a woman. I think it's kindness and this is how he shows affection and kindness to women, by putting himself in this protector role.

And it's not my preferred way of bonding with a guy. But what I'm starting to get myself into the mindset of is...what I prefer is not the only preference in a relationship. This is a two-way street. If he is showing affection to me in the way that is HIS way, and again, we're going off the assumption here that it's genuine...well, then that's very very touching and meaningful, even if it's not my way. Maybe even more than if it was my way, because it means it's more natural and real to him.

So I think this relationship is teaching me to be more patient, to be less stubborn in how I prefer to interact with people, and to see people who disagree with me on stuff as maybe people who disagree with me more on semantics than they do on actual philosophy. Vytas says some sexist shit and probably has misogynistic underpinnings, but he doesn't hate me because I'm a woman. And I think it's important for me to practice not thinking of those at the same thing, because it's so easy just to villainize...to lump all the people who say things you don't like in with everyone else who says things you don't like.

I guess I'm just looking for a justification for the fact that I know that the problems I have with some of the things he says SHOULD keep me from working with him or, more importantly, keep me from liking him, and they don't. So I'm trying to come to terms with that. So Vytas, when you are reading this when this is over: This is by far my most complicated Stranded relationship ever, but I am very fond of you, and I hope you're genuinely fond of me too.

[Andrea]

- Fri Aug 11, 2017 6:15:57 pm #3806 And now just for my simple relationships...Cass. Cass is LOVELY. I am so glad we didn't lose that first Tianguan challenge and get her out. I really hope she genuinely wants to go deep with me like I do with her. My ideal final 3 right now is me her and Vytas because I don't give a shit about winning and want to play with my friends. (Yes, I know I earlier said Vytas wasn't going to win and that he would totally win out of those three. I AM LARGE, I CONTAIN MULTITUDES. Look it up.)

Cass is just NICE, and straightforward, and feels more like a real person than just about anyone else in this game. We said earlier that we just don't feel like we're filtering with each other, and that's really it. There's just so much less subtext and bullshit than there has to be with talking to other people, even people I like. It's hard to believe she's not a girl in real life 'cause I don't get along this easily with boys usually, ha.

All right, this has been Andrea's confessional corner.

[Joaquin Souberbielle]

- Fri Aug 11, 2017 6:43:16 pm #3810

And now just for my simple relationships...Cass. Cass is LOVELY. I am so glad we didn't lose that first Tianguan challenge and get her out. I really hope she genuinely wants to go deep with me like I do with her. My ideal final 3 right now is me her and Vytas because I don't give a shit about winning and want to play with my friends. (Yes, I know I earlier said Vytas wasn't going to win and that he would totally win out of those three. I AM LARGE, I CONTAIN MULTITUDES. Look it up.)

Cass is just NICE, and straightforward, and feels more like a real person than just about anyone else in this game. We said earlier that we just don't feel like we're filtering with each other, and that's really it. There's just so much less subtext and bullshit than there has to be with talking to other people, even people I like. It's hard to believe she's not a girl in real life 'cause I don't get along this easily with boys usually, ha.

All right, this has been Andrea's confessional corner.

Why don't you give a shit about winning? Why play the game then?

[Andrea]

- Fri Aug 11, 2017 6:47:16 pm #3811 Because I love playing! I want to make it to the end and keep playing for as long as I can. And winning would be fun. But there's no money, so for me I'm playing to get to FTC and not to get #1. I like playing alongside people I like, so the part at the very end where you have to vote out people you're aligned with in and go to the end with people you have a better chance of winning and spend the last few days with people you have no connection to...that part of the game just doesn't appeal to me. If there were money in it, sure.

[Andrea]

- Fri Aug 11, 2017 6:48:05 pm #3812 I mean if I get to the end I'll argue my ass off for why I'm the best person to win (even if I'm not, lol) but I'm not gonna pick smaller threats to go to the end with. It's just not my style.

[Andrea]

- Sat Aug 12, 2017 12:25:46 am #3837 Beginning to suspect that coming back and playing again was not a good idea for me.

Mood of the night.

Anxiety fucking sucks, if any of y'all don't know. It's just like...this feeling of being crushed and scared and wanting to literally rip through your skin but knowing you're not SUPPOSED to rip through your skin and everyone will worry and be so sad if you do and everyone will make fun of you and blah blah blah...and it's all the time. And I just want to be able to play this and meet people but my fucking brain is so obsessed with what people are saying about me in confessionals, what people are going to say to me after the season's over, what people are gonna say when they see my confessionals, what people watching along are thinking about me now...

And it's just CRUSHING. I don't want to care this much what people think about me. I would do fucking anything to just be able to goddamn relax for once in my fucking life. Or to be able to worry about shit that was actually worth worrying about instead of just panicking about whether people like me, CONSTANTLY. I just...I honestly don't even know why I need everyone to like me. Like, why it's a problem if they don't. It's NOT. It's fine. I won't fucking DIE. But it feels like I will and I've just given up trying to talk my brain out of it's weird spiral thoughts after sixteen years, so instead I just lie here panicking and writing stuff that's probably going to make people laugh at me even more than they would have already.

And I mean it's especially stupid because I write books, and those books have thousands have reviews, and those reviews aren't always positive, and because writing means submitting and submitting means rejecting, and I'm fine with all of that. I mean it's not fun, but it doesn't send me into the depressive shame spirals. I guess it's different when it's my writing and not me.

I think I probably don't have it in me to participate in shit where people are literally just...ranking me on how much they like me. And talking to each other about me. And talking to themselves about me where I can't see it and I can't know what they feel and what they really think and if they secretly hate me and UGH.

Can I give everyone some sort of magic potion that will erase me from their memories please and no one ever talks about me again okay awesome thanks

It is so fucking exhausting hating myself this much. God, I'm just tired.

Sorry you had to read this. My friends have actual problems and also aren't here so I don't really have anyone to talk to. So why not just make myself even more of an obvious neurotic mess

[Jeff Probst]

- Sat Aug 12, 2017 4:53:22 am #3859 Well it's interesting that you are less worried about winning and more about having a good experience, but you're worried about what people think about you more than some people who might be trying hard to win. Do you think it would be easier or harder if you were in complete game mode or are you incapable of that anyway?

[Andrea]

- Sat Aug 12, 2017 4:59:37 am #3860 Yeah, I'm sure it would be easier, but I feel like I would overall get less out of the experience, good and bad. I just don't really see, like...the point to that, for me.

Like I love playing board games. One of my favorite things to do. But I love doing it because it's fun and spending time with my friends, not because I care about winning. Because what does it matter? Whether you win or lose, the game's over now. There's no money, there's no party in your honor, there's...it's nothing. It's gone.

[Andrea]

- Sat Aug 12, 2017 5:12:08 am #3865 Liliana's thread, deerlord.

I really have to wonder with a lot of these blow up and call outs and everything...like, how do the people here talk to people in real life? Mia works in health care and seems really smart and responsible. She's clearly not running around her daily life popping off at people and calling them fucking stupid, right?

So like...why does that happen here? I honestly don't understand it. What is it that just gets people into this space where this just...becomes normal? I guess it's kind of a perpetual motion machine at this point, or whatever. It's just become normal so people keep doing it and it keeps being normal.

It's just another part of ORG culture that makes no sense to me. This is not how people act! This is not...like, what? This is not normal and I always feel like I'm the only one one who sees that. This is not who you guys are! Babies what is you doing etc

[Jeff Probst]

- Sat Aug 12, 2017 5:14:53 am #3866

Liliana's thread, deerlord.

I really have to wonder with a lot of these blow up and call outs and everything...like, how do the people here talk to people in real life? Mia works in health care and seems really smart and responsible. She's clearly not running around her daily life popping off at people and calling them fucking stupid, right?

So like...why does that happen here? I honestly don't understand it. What is it that just gets people into this space where this just...becomes normal? I guess it's kind of a perpetual motion machine at this point, or whatever. It's just become normal so people keep doing it and it keeps being normal.

It's just another part of ORG culture that makes no sense to me. This is not how people act! This is not...like, what? This is not normal and I always feel like I'm the only one one who sees that. This is not who you guys are! Babies what is you doing etc

I think ORGs gives people a "safe space" to be an altar ego. It lets you blow off steam, it lets you become braver than you would be in real life. It lets you take on a new personality, explore new parts of your personality. You wouldn't call someone a fucking cunt in real life, but sometimes you REALLY wish you could. ORGs gives you that anonymity and permission. It's kind of therapeutic in a way. You mentioned your anxiety and sometimes ORGs can be terrible for that, but it can also show you how to overcome it. Kinda like conditional therapy. At least I like to think so.

Granted, it can also be a terrible environment for some people, and I've recognized that in the past and removed them from the situation or not asked them to return. But i think for normally adjusted people with parts of their personality they don't get to express, this is an outlet.

[Andrea]

- Sat Aug 12, 2017 5:21:51 am #3869 Yeah, that makes sense. But idk...like, I HAVE called someone a fucking cunt in real life, when I was really mad and they were being awful. I'm totally capable of getting to that point. But I guess i don't...i don't like get to it any easier online than I do in real life, if that makes sense? Like, I have this one friend and we used to date so our relationship is just a fucking mess of unresolved feelings and anger and shit, so when we fight it gets MEAN, and I say totally shitty stuff to her! But it doesn't matter if we're on Skype or Gchat or in person, I'll say the same shitty things.

I guess the alter ego part does change it, but...I don't know, I'm not able to do that, I guess. It's still me, and people would still be mad at me, and I would still feel that as the me behind the curtain, or whatever.

[Andrea]

- Sat Aug 12, 2017 5:52:37 am #3877 p.s. that friend now says she wants to do Stranded as long as I'm hosting so let's make it happen. she's solid in ORGs and she takes a LOT less shit than I do, you'd love her.

[Jeff Probst]

- Sat Aug 12, 2017 6:36:35 am #3884

p.s. that friend now says she wants to do Stranded as long as I'm hosting so let's make it happen. she's solid in ORGs and she takes a LOT less shit than I do, you'd love her.

Maybe she'd play the game to win too (or at least for entertainment). What happened to your hard stance on not corrupting anyone by introducing them to these lot

[Andrea]

- Sat Aug 12, 2017 6:49:34 am #3887 She's a grown woman, if she wants to be corrupted she can be corrupted.

Whether or not you find me entertaining is your own damn problem. You knew what you were getting when you invited me back. And how's "playing to win" done for the eleven people sitting in the loser's lounge? Calm down and let me do my thing.

[Andrea]

- Sat Aug 12, 2017 6:53:30 am #3890 I just told her you said that I wasn't entertaining and she called you a cunt

see, you'd love her

[Andrea]

- Mon Aug 14, 2017 1:10:16 am #6644 So Vytas wants us to go to the end with Liliana.

I hate this plan.

I have nothing against Liliana. I'm sure she's a lovely person. But we've never really gelled in this game and I don't trust her and we're not open with each other and...ugh. This is not what I want.

Vytas and I are talking through our ideal endgames and it's becoming clear that aside from the fact that ours include each other...they don't have that much more in common. Or clear to me, at least.

I don't really know what to make of this. Someone's gonna have to give, and I've given a LOT.

I'm gonna be patient.