- Wed Aug 23, 2017 4:09:44 pm
#9521
I'm not grasping at straws! I fully own up to all that shit you said I was doing, and I don't think I'm trying to play the victim here. I certainly don't think of myself as a victim.
I got some shit in my last season for being a gamebot and being strategically threatening so this season I tried to make it seem like I was doing stuff for FEEEEEELINGS and that i wasn't being strategic because, idk, trying something new, seeing if i did better. and I did exactly as well as last time so my experiment's a failure, lol. but i'm not walking around feeling sorry for myself or denying anything i did now that the game's over. i absolutely talked shit and backstabbed and fucked people over and i'm incredibly self-centered. there's no justifying happening here. i was in character as much as anyone else. i'm good now.
the having to be liked thing is also valid but it's also SEPARATE, if that makes sense? let me see if i can explain it...basically i have this personality that makes me one person, and then i have completely crippling mental illness that makes me a goddamn basket case. so i grew up really letting kind of the boss bitch of me show, but then when anyone would give me back what i ENTIRELY DESERVED, that voice in my head would go "well time to kill yourself now" and like...not in a cute way. so that eventually became, y'know, very obviously not a sustainable way of conducting myself. meds and therapy have helped somewhat, but what's really done the most in just making me get through day to day is self-preservation. i don't dish what i don't take because i try not to dish. y'know? i'm sweet so people will be sweet back to me.
and to clarify, i'm talking about how i act in real life, not here. in real life i would neeeever stab someone in the back because holy shit they might say something mildly mean to me and then mental illness will turn that into YOUR LIFE IS OVER EVERYONE HATES YOU. but you can't do that here, y'know? like you said, you have to do shit and own it. and that's just something that i'm always going to struggle with, i think. i'm good while it's happening, but then afterwards it's nighttime and everyone's asleep and i leave confessionals about how i'm the worst person in the world and i need to jump off my balcony.
i'm not saying any of this to get sympathy or anything! this is my shit and i deal with it. but it seemed like you wanted, like, psychological insight into the Mind of Andrea so here you go. yes, i do have to be liked, but that's because when i'm around people who i know don't like me, i start actually shutting down. i'm not saying this is an attractive quality. it's just...something about myself i have to live with.
but i didn't give a shit about playing with good people, that was just some stuff i said to seem less gamebotty. i gave a shit about playing with people i wanted to talk to so i could have a good time.
congrats!
