- Fri Aug 25, 2017 6:10:55 am
#10080
This is unreal to me. I’ve got to say, I never would have imagined four years ago logging onto the Venezuela board for the first time that I would be sitting here in the final three of a season full of amazing legends. Even a month ago, this felt like an unobtainable reality for me. I came into this hopeful but uncertain of myself. In the past, I’ve only ever gotten to 8th place. I had a reputation of being a wild card. I was a loose cannon. Someone you never would imagine to make it here.
But, something amazing happened. I made it here. And I deserved it to. And not only that, but I feel confident in myself. I’ve learned a lot in this past month about myself as a person. The most important lesson I’ve learned is one of resilience. I think that plays into the core of the theme too. I made enemies but I got my revenge in the best way, by overcoming those circumstances and any other obstacles in my way. I overcame a tribe where I ended up alone against an alliance of four. I overcame all of my friends leaving one by one and the isolation and fear that came along with it. I overcame being on the outs this entire game by sheer force of will and determination. And with that, I got the ultimate revenge. Sitting here.
That’s why I believe I deserve to win over the other finalists. I had real challenges along the way. I am NOT a goat. I was not dragged here. I fought my way. I fought my way to this point. To count me out would be a big mistake because I am not someone who just fell into this spot by happenstance. Even if I was unable to make big moves, that was always my goal. I was constantly trying to make those moves. I didn’t sit back and just let my allies do all the work. I couldn’t do that because it seemed like every moment I got close to someone, they were voted out.
It’s been emotionally draining for me. I’m someone who wears their heart on their sleeve. I am a reactive person, I need emotional support. I cling to one person to keep me grounded. Or, I used to. I’ve learned that I can ground myself. I’ve learned that I am good enough. There’s still doubt in my mind but that cloud is minute by comparison to the confidence I’ve built over the past month. And that’s all because of the difficulties I’ve had along the way.
Day one, I came into this thinking there was a distinct possibility I could have been the first boot. There was so much up in the air for me. Who was I going to click with? Who was going to have beef with me? So I reach out to Sophie and Cochran, a huge question mark and someone I saved from a boot respectively. Surprisingly I click immediately with Sophie, someone I had never really had a chance to bond with. I love this girl to death, I wanted to go to the end with her. We make an alliance with Ashley and Cochran, roping in Ozzy as well.
That alliance was cursed from the moment it was formed. And I think the huge egos in it is what damned it. That brings me to my next lesson. I’ve learned to hold my tongue. Although I’ve slipped a little, who I was in this game is NOTHING next to who I’ve been before. The me before you now is someone that can hold their tongue if they need to. In that alliance, I knew that Sophie and Cochran were going to be the driving force. Which I was fine with, because that leader was fated to fall. And the two that fought for that spot both did, prematurely. Ashley paid the price first, who I’ll get into later. Then Sophie due to Cochran’s need for control and order. He played too hard too fast, and that is why he left.
With Sophie gone, I was alone. I knew things weren’t going to go well. I was trapped with a fractured alliance of 4 and Rory. I knew I was a less than ideal swing so I saw that writing on the wall. When we swapped that night, I immediately went on the attack against the Faroes. And I nearly paid the price for it. If we were to go to tribal in those tribes, I was going to go home. That’s not a question for me. It was going to happen. I tried but no one was giving me wiggle room. I bonded with Ashley and felt very close to her which ended up spooking Brenda who wanted her to herself. Courtney and Katie didn’t feel like they should rock the boat. I was screwed.
So when we swapped again, I immediately felt more comfortable in my tribe. I worked on relationships with Courtney/Katie/Liliana. The latter of whom would later become my QUEEN who I adore so much. Ashley and Liliana became my core alliance. But as you know, that quickly flipped when the other three felt that Liliana should go which ended up with that tie. Courtney left, leaving behind her PII for me. Then Cochran who had irreparably killed my trust in him.
And then that blasted Pass/Bank challenge.You know we solved that fucker in 48 seconds? Yeah. A fucking shitshow that was. Ashley at that point was my FOURTH friend I’d lost. And I felt that the most because it was partially my fault. Ashley volunteered to go face whatever consequence was being thrown at Ozzy. It ended up with her going home unjustifiably. It tore me down and made me feel hopeless. That was a turning point for me. I knew that I had to pave my own way. I needed to put everything I learned over the past four years to the test.
And I did. This merge continued that pattern of me being on the outs. I was never in the numbers here and I could have gone at any point but I didn’t. It’s not like I went uncontested because my name came up. People tried to vote me out a few times. But did they succeed? No. Did I take control of the game like I wanted? No. But I took the opportunities thrown at me to survive.
And at any point in this game I could have chosen to break down. One by one, my friends got voted out. I would get close to someone and the same thing would happen. It discouraged me at points. I felt a new low at the point where Vytas left. That was around the time I’d left at every other game. My name was being brought up at least once every round. I felt like this was going to be it.
I tried to flip the script and felt like I’d nearly have the votes and then Mia would swoop in wanting to do something else. I felt defeated. Here I was, fighting my hardest and it wasn’t working. And if it wasn’t Mia it was Andrea switching sides. All I had left at that point was Liliana. I love Liliana TO DEATH now. I can’t wait to get the chance to chat with her on Monday after all of this is over. And I credit her for me being here. She lit a fire under my ass when she left. I wasn’t about to settle for beating my record. Her and all my friends like her gave me the push I needed. I may have been cursed but I don’t believe I would have pushed myself as hard as I did if I hadn’t been alone in this crowded game.
I came here to win. I immediately plead my case to Cass who thankfully accepts, wanting to form something with Ozzy. I needed her. I knew she needed someone who wasn’t as threatening as Ozzy to stick with. That was my saving grace. Looking non-threatening. I know on paper my game isn’t factually impressive.
I’m not a huge mastermind with an impressive social game. I’m just Sarah. But I’m not a goat. I wasn’t carried here. I fought to get here. I didn’t just lay down and hope I could get here. It actually took work. I made those bonds, however temporary, to survive another round. I got myself here. But what I want you, the jury, to take away from this is that I’m not someone who takes this for granted. I wanted this so badly. I learned as much as possible and I applied the lessons I never learned before.
Where I came from though, is what I feel makes this all the more impressive. My legacy up to this point was someone who couldn’t keep their mouth shut. Someone who lacked awareness to the degree that she thought “going swimming” was a good excuse for missing a challenge. Someone who performed at Tribal Councils. Someone who played to be dramatic, not to win. I was never playing the game. The game was just a means to have fun and try something different.
I never made friends in my other games. I never had an alliance. I never had any problems voting people off or worrying about being voted out at any given night. I wasn’t ever in it for that. I was in it for the fun of it. The kicks. Not to do what I had to do to get to the end. That came later.
It came out of a need to prove myself. A lack of self-esteem. I felt undeserving. Like I wasn’t a high calibre player. Like I was a first time player. I’ve been told for years that people couldn’t see me ever winning. And that ate at me. It wore me down to the point where I said to myself… Well, I’m going to try. I wanted to prove to Poody, to my friends, to myself that I could play the game.
So that is what I did. I kept my focus. I’ve been looking forward to this game for over a year because of that goal to prove that maybe, just maybe, I could be a winner. And over the course of this game. Shit and all. I genuinely feel like I did that. I feel proud of myself and I feel like I have earned the right to call myself a legend. I did something I would have thought impossible. Made the final three.
But I did question that worthiness a few times. At the very beginning. At the tribe swap where I genuinely was afraid I was going to go home. Every inch of the way from merge. I was called undeserving of being called a legend. Because to that point that was just something I told myself. Something only I believed. Then seeing that challenge result, it made it real. It was something other people saw in me too. And it lit a new fire under my ass. Because I am better than what people saw in me. I am the winner in my own eyes and hopefully in your eyes too. It’s all I want right now.
I came into this a Sarah unsure of herself. A Sarah who never would have dreamed of calling herself a winner. Because I didn’t tarnish my reputation here. I built a new one. One of a better Sarah. A Sarah more confident. More assured. That’s who I am now. A Sarah Reborn. I’m a Sarah who wholeheartedly believes she deserves it most of all. Because I got my revenge. I overcame self doubt, social isolation, betrayal. Who of you would have expected that I would be where I am now? I defeated the odds by getting here. And it wasn’t by chance. Now let me convince you that I deserve the win.
My game was not perfect, I would never claim that. But I did play an amazing game. One that deserves rewarding. I have flaws, I know, I don’t have those delusions of grandeur. But I didn’t have to rely on alliances. I only had myself and my ill-fated friends. But I still believe I deserve it. So, that’s what I’m asking for here. For you to see what I see in myself. A winner. But the best part is, I believe it already. The affirmation would be nice but it’s not going to change how I see myself now.
P.S. Buy Look What You Made Me Do on iTunes.
